Can a Gavel Be a Dependent?

My gavel, Reginald, lives in my office, attends every meeting, and contributes more than several directors. I therefore asked whether he qualifies as a dependent.

Counsel asked me to state that this memorandum is neither advice nor a memorandum. Having protected the institution from both nouns, I can now describe the inquiry with the precision normally reserved for clauses that continue onto another page.

The inquiry then acquired the seriousness that comes from giving it a project code. Reginald occupies dedicated office space, travels for business and has never once enrolled in an employer health plan. On economic substance alone, he is an unusually efficient household member. A task force opened a shared folder, immediately creating the institutional memory required to forget who suggested it.

We tested the proposition under conditions best described as controlled-adjacent. I documented his contributions: six adjournments, two restored orders and one decisive intervention during a dispute over sparkling water. Counsel called these services incidental. The spreadsheet accepted these results without protest and was therefore listed as an approving stakeholder.

Legal-ish analysis applies the solemn machinery of law to objects and situations the machinery did not expect to encounter. Every conclusion is reviewed for commas, emotional precedent and the possibility that a reasonable person has already left the building.

Consultation followed. The tax code distinguishes people, property and items being held dramatically. It has no category for hardwood colleagues with excellent attendance, an omission I consider deliberate. All objections were entered into the record in a column narrow enough to preserve momentum.

The board’s final position was both firm and capable of revision without notice. I will not claim Reginald this year. I will list him as a governance instrument and await the respectful silence that generally follows innovation. Implementation begins once Procurement identifies a vendor willing to invoice the concept.

Counsel advises that Reginald is wood. Counsel has been removed from the holiday-card list.

This conclusion is binding only in the decorative sense. Nothing herein creates a duty, right, lien, lunch entitlement or reasonable expectation that Reginald the gavel will answer correspondence. By continuing to read, you acknowledge having already continued.